There’s no gain saying that the law alone does not deter sexual misbehavior. Parents have an important role to play in helping prevent children from becoming perpetrators, now and as adults.
By “parent,” I include those people who provide care and support for a child, but might not technically be the parent, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Quite too often, children are typically thought of as victims of sexual misconduct but children can and do certainly grow up to be perpetrators too. In fact, statistics has it that over 50% of rapes in the society are perpetrated by folks in their twenties and thirties, which represents a group who are not just children but whose parents still exert an influence over them.
Hence, a great deal would definitely be achieved in this war against sexual misbehaviours if parents spent more time inculcating and reaffirming the virtues of morality in their kids. This is in hopes that if a child is properly trained, even when they grow up, they’ll not depart from it.
Of course, this is not to mean that all those who end up becoming rapists did not get proper parental guidance or that those who do would never be involved in any sort of sexual misconduct. However, parental guidance can actually help an individual internalize right and wrong from an early start.
THE FAMILY DEFECT
In some cases, parental behaviour has actually influenced a lot of people to end up becoming rapists or sexual offenders. Let’s consider a few cases. Again, this does not in any way validate the certainty of anything happening but merely serves to reiterate the possible negative effects of such environments for kids.
An Aggressive Parent
Nolan had already committed 6 rapes before he became 25. Worse still, he’s just murdered his last victim after having his way with her. Upon undergoing therapy, Nolan reveals that the reason why he killed the last victim was because he 'felt angry that she wouldn’t let him have his way and she repeatedly fought back’. This led him to strangle her before he was caught. Upon inquiry, Nolan had revealed that his dad was very aggressive, regularly beating his mother anytime he got home drunk. This impacted on Nolan as he grew up believing that he could get away with anything, or at least, beat someone up if there was any resistance.
In some cases, children like Nolan grow up feeling a disdain or some sort of superiority complex for a particular gender.
In other cases, they assume that they can get anything that they want simply by being aggressive and forceful.
The latter ones are usually more deadly as they often add murder to their list of offences.
Carefree Parent(s)
Parenting is a tough job (we can put the word 'tough' in uppercase, and it would still be understimated). However, there’s a huge gap between actual parenting and what’s achieved today.
Most parents are so caught up with their own lives that they’d sooner allow their kids get away with anything they want than be disturbed.
This attitude ends up breeding individuals who won’t stop at anything to get what they want, even if that which they want is located in someone’s underwear. But when parenting is proactive, kids grow up learning strategies that mirror their parents' values while developing principles that would guide their decision making. Moreover, careful parenting would not only involve laying out rules but also providing the reasons behind them, so that the child grows a power of reasoning that would come in handy during adulthood when rules might not always be so clear or practical.
Silence is not consent
Weird as this may sound, this is the truth especially when it comes to matters relating to sexual consent.
Most rapists excuse their behaviour by pointing at skimpy dressings or flirting signals as telling signs that the individual would like to have sex with them. While this may indeed be telling signs, they are not actual signs.
This excuse is aggravated by an upbringing that’s centre around excessive belief in 'telling signs’. Parents need to work hard at training their children to be clear communicators as this minimizes the risks of them becoming perpetrators.
Children must learn how to seek affirmative consent respectfully, how to convey affirmative consent when they want to give it, and how to recognize what is not affirmative consent. Silence, or acquiescence, is not the same as an enthusiastic “Yes!”
Parents also have to explain to their kids that even if consent is obtained, the consent isn’t sufficient if the other person lacked the capacity to consent, either because he or she was drunk, on drugs, is a minor or mentally deficient. They’d also have to understand that coercion also invalidates consent, and coercion can exist when there is any sort of negative repercussion from a refusal such as a threat of physical violence. It’s important to note that parental example in this regard is way more important than actual instructions.
Favouritism
When parents are partial in how they treat their kids, probably favouring one over the other because of gender or position in the family, this too has an effect on the probability of these kids becoming offenders.
In some cases, parents would favour their male children over the girls or they pamper the 'lastborn' over all the other kids. In other cases, they give a child everything because the child is the only one and as such even deserves the world.
This thus breeds a mindset of 'get all you want' in the kids who act up tantrums when they don’t get what they want. Upon becoming adults, these ones could go all in if they’re rejected by someone of the opposite sex.
But when parents preach and imbibe an egalitarian culture in their homes that everyone has the same rights, regardless of gender, age, or level of intelligence, their children grow up realizing that when it comes to relationships, all people have the right to initiate sex, to say yes when invitations appeal to them and to say no when they are uninterested without being threatened or assaulted.
Emphasizing gender equality is essential as most perpetrators typically have attitudes about women that can encourage treating women as sexual commodities. But instead, parents can use these same principles to promote the child’s sympathy for victims of sexual misconduct – encouraging moral reasoning and appropriate behavior.
"It wasn’t me!"
Children are usually known to use this statement to excuse themselves and parents have over the years accepted this as a valid excuse.
But what if parents could ask: "If it wasn’t you, what did you do to stop it?"
This question could recalibrate the opinion we have of being righteous even if we were mere bystanders and it could help reduce sexual misconduct too.
People tend to offend less when their friends send a signal that sexual aggression is unacceptable and gender equality is important. But it appears that we live in a different world where people turn a blind eye to vices if they or someone they know is not in any way affected. Parents can help create a world in which everyone helps everyone. It is possible!